Spiders

I don't like spiders.
But don't tell my daughters or grandchildren that. They think I'm fearless when it comes to spiders. I know "There's a spider in the same area" scream when I hear it. I will dash to the scream, whip out the AK47 tissue, book or shoe to kill the vermin and all will be well.
But let the spider, no matter its size, come around me when I'm no where near my offspring and I can shake with fear and bellow with the best of them.
For example, I was approaching a bench to sit in court when a spider the size of nothing caught my eye. It was walking along the partition separating us good folks from the court staff. I did my best squeaky, "Spider," with wide eyes and shaky hand pointing to the teeny, tiny eight-legged creature.
The bailiff, who is twice my size, slapped at the moving dot, only to fling it off the partition.
Yup, spider landed right next to my foot. I jumped almost on top of the bench, when I realized how silly I looked, so I stepped purposefully, adding a twist and committed capital homicide.
Then on Thanksgiving, with a houseful of guests and my bedroom filled with grandchildren watching a movie, I headed into my bathroom for a break of sorts.
Now there I was preparing to take care of business when I noticed I was "Not Alone. "
An eight-legged creature that looked like a Argog's grandchild was doing its best imitation of wall decor at eye level to the white throne.
I felt the scream coming, but checked it. After all, four of my grandchildren were on my bed in the very next room watching a movie. And in the room next to them was my German exchange student with her friend visiting with my daughter. And I can vouch none of them would run to help me. Rod, of course, was not in the house. He had gone outside to show our oldest son some manly thing in The Shop.
So I grabbed a fistful of TP and pounded the wall, while trying not to cry, which naturally caught the attention of my grandchildren who knew for certain I must be having a seizure or something.
"Grandma, are you alright?" Katie asked.
"Yes," I said, choking back sobs.
"Grandma, do you need help?" she said.
"No, I'm fine. Just a spider," I replied.
"Spider!" she screamed and I could hear her racing to the other side of the room followed by her sister and cousins.
Like I said, no help.