Day 10 in thankful thoughts

I'm heartbroken. I'm trying to be thankful. The son of my dear friend died Tuesday due to complications from cystic fibrosis. He was 20 and so much fun. It was expected, but not expected.
My favorite memory of Carol is when she entered my sewing/laundry/yarn room to sew camo jackets for her sons. Not many people have been allowed to enter my domain.
She was so much fun to be around and I cherish that memory. It is one of the few "friend" memories I have. I tend not to do much with other women.
I should not be such a loner and do something.
Anyway, I've posted on Facebook that I'm grateful that I can be grumpy and not feel guilty. I am grateful for people who really care about others.
It's been a difficult, difficult week. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself.

4th, 5th & 6th of 30 Thankful Days

Thursday and Friday got away from me as far as writing down what I am thankful for, but I woke up with the thought.
Thursday I was grateful for crockpots. I feel in love with the cooking device 30 years ago. I have used up a couple. I enjoy cooking roasts, stews and chilis in a crockpot or slow cooker. I love coming home from work to a cooked dinner.
Friday I was thankful for fall. It is so beautiful right now. The golden leaves make everything look golden outside. It feels so peaceful.
Today I am grateful once again for my grandchildren and my children. I am so thankful for these wonderful, amazing little people who call me Granny, Gramala or Damma. They are so smart and kind. I am blessed to have them all living so close and even more blessed my children and their spouses allow these sweet souls to come spend the night with me once a month. We watched Toy Story 3 last night and it reminded me how quickly this thing called childhood will pass and Me like Buzz and Woody will no longer be needed by these beautiful children but maybe there will be other little ones who will play with us. Yes I cried.

3rd Day of 30 Days of Thankfulness

Today I'm thankful for my husband of 31 years. We met 32 years ago this month. I thought he was the most handsome man I have ever seen. And he made me laugh...a lot. He still does.
I still remember when I proposed to him, shortly after Christmas. Told him, "Let's go to Nevada and get married."
He thought I was joking.
It took him a month longer to realize we were going to get married.
I love my man, Rod. He's been the best thing that has ever happened to me. He believes in me. He has encouraged me to do whatever I want to do most of the time. He, like President Hinckley, is a man who lets his wife do what she wants to do and stays out of the way. He knows how much I love my children and grandchildren. He knows how much I love to help others.

Day 2 of 30 Thankful Days

Today I'm grateful for the opportunity and privilege of voting. Too many people out there said it doesn't count. Well, it doesn't if you don't vote.
My father, Richard J Dunn, my grandfather, Eldon Fay Watts and my uncles, all fought and served this country so we could vote.
So basically get out there and vote. If you don't vote, don't whine about where this country is going. I don't agree with everyone, but I do agree we need to stand up for what we believe in, even if that vote ends up on the losing side.

30 Thankful days
The beginning. My daughter-in-law, Megan, has inspired me to write this blog. Each day I will write something I'm thankful for.
Today, Monday, Nov. 1, 2010, I am thankful for my children and their spouses who are truly, caring, kind and concerned parents.
I was in 2nd District Court in Farmington this morning and a 20-year-old man was sentenced to jail for breaking the femur and fracturing the skull of a 2-year-old last November. The little girl was the child of his girlfriend. The mom didn't buy his story.
I wasn't there for his case, but I did some checking and may do a story.
I know what bones sound like when they break. I accidently broke my son's foot when he was 4 years old. I knelt down to help him pick up his toys and landed on his foot. He screamed. I cried. We went to the doctor.
I know what a femur is like to heal. Same son, two years later. He gets in the way of a motorcycle on 2000 West. I was stupid and allowed him to cross the street by himself with his older friend. He got ran over and his femur was broke. It took weeks of healing.
I know my children are human and get frustrated with their kids, but none of them would intentionally injure a child because the child is crying.
They know they can call me and I will come get my grandchild or grandchildren.
I am so grateful to have caring and kind adult children who are wonderful parents to their children.

August

It's August.
Sunday was yesterday. It was actually the first Sunday in awhile that I spent home alone. Being a bishop's wife is sometimes a lonely calling. But I really, really enjoyed myself this time. I watched Agatha Christie movies, crocheted, ate Spaghettio's and prayed no one would call me. And they didn't. So it's all good.
I think about the future and I see myself writing a book either a murder mystery or comedy. I wonder, could I combine the two?

But first I must write about our trip to Bonner's Ferry, Idaho on July 23 through July 25.

Bonner's Ferry is 20 minutes from the U.S. Canadian border or about 12 hours from our home.

We took Rod's mom, Maxine, with us in our new Honda Ridgeliner. It was a barrel of laughs.
Rod and I had been with Maxine for about 10 hours when we arrived in Missoula. We got separate rooms. Maxine was concerned it cost too much, but Rod said we got the senior discount.
"See bringing you was a good idea," I said.
"Uh, honey, we got the senior discout because of us, not Mom," Rod said.
Since when did I become a senior citizen?
We had made pit stops all day on the way to Missoula and now we were searching for a place to sit down and eat dinner.
Sign up ahead.
Maxine asks, "Is Hooter's a restaurant?"
"Yes, I said.
"Can we eat there?" she asked.
Rod, I and Maxine are very conservative members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, in other words, card-carrying Mormons.
Rod's face got all tied up in knots as he blushed and I realized this 82-year-old woman was perfectly serious.
"I said, "Nope. Rod and I don't eat there."
When we arrived at Bonner's Ferry the next day, another day long trip because Rod took the scenic route, I told his sisters they get to explain to her what Hooters is. I tried, but I kept laughing and couldn't get the words out.
Anyway, Sarah and James' wedding was wonderful. I want bagpipes played at my funeral. They had bagpipes instead of an organ played inside the Lutheran church. About 200 people showed up for their wedding ceremony. I love small towns.
It was when we got there on Saturday Maxine pointed to her ankles. They were very swollen.
"What happened?" I asked.
"Oh, I decided not to take my water pills on Thursday so I wouldn't be a burden," she said.
"Well, you better take one now because you're going to be a medical emergency if you don't and I have no idea where a hospital is," I said.
Gads, we had stopped every hour or so while driving so we could all go to the restroom. What was she thinking?
So her feet hurt. She didn't want to walk anywhere. Now that ticked me off because she knew there was going to be a lot of walking at the reception. It was outdoors. And lovely and everything.
I put her at a table with the pastor and his wife. I then disappeared with Rod and we decorated Sarah and James' rental car.
I went up to Sarah after we finished and told her "The code is 45."
She then asked, "Small or large denominations."
"A combination," I said.
We don't just trash the inside of the car. We make it a treasure hunt also.
Then all too soon it was time to leave. Naturally, the water pills kicked in.
So on the way back as we weaved through a canyon that had mostly campsites, Maxine asked if we could possibly stop at a nice place so she she could go to the bathroom.
"Mom, notice trees," Rod said.
"Wait," I said spotting neon lights ahead. "Look that may be a place."
As we pulled in the parking lot, I thought, "This is not possible."
It only had motorcycles in the parking lot.
"Well, it's a bar, Mom," I said.
"Do they have bathrooms?" she asked.
"Yup, and they flush too," I said.
Rod wanted to know how I knew restrooms in bars had flushing toilets.
Going inside felt like stepping into the movie, "Wild Hogs" except Rod, Maxine and I were dressed in Sunday best clothes.
Those bikers were very nice. They didn't even make fun of us, which was nice.
The drive home the next day was stopping every hour or so at rest stops, convenience stores, cafes or whatever.

Just thoughts

I had so much fun with six of my grandkids this past weekend. Five of them spent the night Friday. Rod was gone on a "Mormon Trek" with the teenagers in our ward.
First to arrive was Ellie, 9, and Katie, 6. Next was Ben, 2 1/2. About 30 minutes later Caleb, 5, and Corbin, 22 months, showed up. We played outside until it became apparent that the sun was going down. Then the little munchkins ran inside excited with the idea of sleeping on cushions in the living room. Ellie loved the idea of sleeping on Papa's pillow on his side of the bed.
"It's a once in a lifetime opportunity," she said.
Before she nestled down, she read "The Lorex," by Dr. Seus to us. I then read "27 Rabbits."
Corbin nodded off in his bed in the back bedroom listening to LDS Primary songs. He needs music.
Caleb, Ben and Katie looked at picture books until 10:30 p.m., while Ellie read some more Dr. Seus stories. I have a volume of them.
During the night I heard Ben crying. He managed to get his head stuck between the cushions of his sleeping area and Katie's. It wasn't life-threatening, just uncomformtable. Ellie slammed her head on the headboard of my bed. Scared me to death.
Finally at 3 a.m. I fell asleep, only to be awaken by the munchkins in the living room laughing at 6:30 a.m.
Rotten children...
I told them they had to be quiet for an hour. The sun's up, they said. It's time to wake up. Too early for grumpy grandma.
Once everyone was awake, I cooked pancakes, waffles, sausage and bacon for the group. Then it was time to put on swim suits, gather up umbrellas, towels, sunscreen and water balloons. We headed outside to run through sprinklers, build forts with umbrellas and throw towels on the ground.
Julie, my youngest grandchild, joined us at noon for a picnic of turkey sandwiches, watermelon, cheese slices and pineapple.
Nap time arrived and sure enough I was able to get only two asleep. But no worries.
Their parents arrived at 4:30 and took those sweet children home.
I love being a grandma. It's the reward for being mom. I love being mom. Even to adult children who sometimes act as if I was totally crazy. Maybe just a little.

One interview

Yesterday I interviewed a woman who is the same age as my daughter Terra. She weighs as much as my daughter Jennica. And she has two children, a husband who adores her and a brain tumor.
The brain tumor is scary. She's been dizzy, sick to her stomach and in pain. But what touched me more than anything was her mother-in-law. I could tell how much the woman loves this young woman. She struggled to keep her emotions in tack. I tried so hard to keep it together, but it was difficult.
I wanted to hug my daughters, my sons, my grandchildren, my husband, my daughters-in-law, my sons-in-law, and my mother-in-law. I know we have problems, but my problems are nothing compared to this sweet family.
They do not think they were that special to interview. They are just ordinary people. I'm an ordinary woman too. I know what put the "news" in their lives was the outpouring of love they received from the community and their workplace. They have touched so many people that others want them to have joy, laughter and love. I understand that.
I felt their love and I only want the best for all of them. They touched my live and in a positive way.
Too many times people worry about me and about the stories I write because they think the negative stories are going to do me in. What they and sometimes I fail to realize, the positive stories impact me more, much more, than any negative story will.
Katrina and Scott you are my hereos. You are there with others who have faced the worse that can be dished out to them and yet still remember to love others, laugh with them and bring joy into their lives, even if it is for a brief moment.

Aunt Martha

My Aunt Martha's funeral was today. My Uncle Richard, Aunt Martha's brother-in-law, said I should write a book about life. I think Aunt Martha would like that.
Life is not planned, yet, it is. I always knew I would be a reporter. But there was no way I was going to be a mom, let alone a grandma. I really didn't want the responsibility. But I ended up with five kids and a bunch of grandkids. It happened all because I married a man who is really, really good with kids.
He never thought of himself as a pet owner. But we have had dogs, turtles and birds because I really, really like animals.
I didn't think I would be a woman who enjoyed gardening flowers or crocheting. I do enjoy pruning my roses and watering them. I'm not crazy about pulling weeds. I didn't think the stuff I learned in botony would ever be useful but some of the tidbits of info filter in.
I miss Aunt Martha. She was a fun woman. She laughed when others may not have laughed. She saw through people. She knew who was putting on an act and who was for real.
My pet parakeet, Birdie, died on Monday. I think I killed her. I wanted to say I caused her death because that sounded nicer. But a week ago when I left for work I opened the living room window next to Birdie's cage because it was warm in the house. I left work and went straight to the hospital where Aunt Martha was. I ended up staying late because things weren't going well and it was obvious Uncle Bob needed some support. When I got home, I failed to shut the window and temperatures dropped.
Birdie, I'm sure, caught a chill and got sick. It didn't help when I changed her food in her food dish I forgot to put food in the food dish.
So on Sunday, Father's Day, Birdie was hanging almost upside down from her perch. It was obvisious she was very, very sick. Monday morning, she was dead.
Rod and I went for a walk last night. I love going for a walk with him. It forces him to talk to me. He gets nervous if he thinks we're invading someone's private space. There was an accident down the street and you'd think with all the lights it was something major. But when we got there it was just a fender bender.
I hate walking in the same direction cars go. I like walking even if there's a sidewalk so I can see the cars coming at me. It's from years of walking to school and having cars honk behind me and scaring me to death. I want to see death in the face.
Anyway I insisted on crossing the street so we could walk north while traffic headed south. Rod was worried we were invading the private space of those involved in the accident because they were sitting on the sidewalk.
The sidewalk is a public place. I'm not going to stop and ask them questions. Now if it was one of those really traumatic accidents, I might stop:)

Life

My Aunt Martha Watts, 69, passed away on Wednesday, June 16, 2010, in the IHC Hospital in Salt Lake City following heart surgery. She was a fighter. She had battled bad health for 30 years. She knew the end to this life was coming but she didn't want to quit. She had a strong belief in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. She also said what she thought and didn't mince words.
My daughter, Jennica Sherrie Brocious, is 23 today, Thursday, June 17, 2010. She is a fighter. She doesn't quit. I know she has a strong belief in Heavenly Father, His Son Jesus Christ and in the Holy Ghost. She always says what she thinks and doesn't mince words, even though sometimes I really wish she would soften it.
I love these two women. They have been inspirational to me in the past few years. I think Aunt Martha is the reason I decided to add red to my hair. I try to be more outspoken like Jennica and not take crap from others.
Yesterday when I got the news my Aunt Martha had died, I knew I couldn't call Rod because he was at a funeral. The sister of a man in our ward had died this week. She was of the Baptist faith, but our LDS ward said they would provide the luncheon for the family after the funeral.
I really wanted to talk to my husband. But he's a bishop. I told the Lord I needed to talk to my husband, but the Lord said, "You're on your own."
I helped my Uncle Bob, Aunt Martha's husband, write a draft obiturary. He kept it short.
I hate writing obits.

Just thoughts

My Aunt Martha, who is close to 70, is fighting for her life right now. I drove to the IHC hospital in Murray to see her Monday. She was too sick for visitors. I stayed with Uncle Bob until he left at 10:30. But God had other plans and He almost took her home later that night, bu the doctors interupted her departure. Now she is fighting to stay here.
I like my Aunt Martha. She's fiesty, sassy and seems to have good intentions.
I remember driving home and looking at the moon. It was a sliver of a thing with a star hanging just above it. I wondered then how many people in their cars were taking the time to look at it.
Thursday my baby girl turns 23. I like her. She's fiesty, sassy and seems to have good intentions. I'm praying she will find a job soon. She is an amazing person.
I spent all day Tuesday in a courtroom listening to testimony in a civil lawsuit that is almost 10 years old. I remember watching the house on Heather Drive fall into itself as a landslide wiped out other homes on the block, one by one, day by day. It made me grateful my husband refused to build our house on a slope and insisted (yes, I wanted a slope) on flat, boring ground.
I have convinced Rod's mom, who is 82, she is healthy enough to go on a road trip with Rod and me. Our niece, her granddaughter, is getting married in July in Idaho. It's like an 11 hour drive, but we're coming up with options which should be fun.
Now back to writing the complex story about Heather Drive, lawsuits and whatever.
I'm getting used to the empty nest. I just wish I wasn't so tired all of the time.
Maybe going boating this weekend (hope, hope, hope) will help. I love going boating. OK, I'm not in the boat, but on the beach with the grandkids playing in the water and the mud, feeding them and hugging them. I like that. I love that feeling of just relaxing.

Dread

Dread is a feeling I have lived with for almost all of my life. I remember feeling it when I lived in Idaho as a little girl. I didn't know why I felt like that. I just knew something bad was happening or going to happen.
I have had this feeling since Saturday night. I can't shake it. I don't know why.
I don't know if it is the weather, hormones or just something someone is projecting on to me.
It could be Rod. He is a bishop and he has had a number of interviews. He comes home grumpy. He also has had to pour concrete at work and it is the tale end of the project so he comes home grumpy. He does not think he is, but he is.
It could be my children. Terra has been stressed with all of her photo shots. Jennica cannot sleep in her house because she wakes up not being able to breathe. Then she plays her game and does not realize that it will actually keep her awake. It has something to do with the lights. I've tried to talk to her. This morning didn't go well.
She told me I don't understand how it feels not being able to sleep. I have suffered from insomia for years. But I've learned to keep boring books near my bed so I can fall asleep faster. I have also trained my brain not to think about the day, but to day dream. Think of what if's. Let it just circle and before you know it, I'm fast asleep.
I wonder if this feeling of dread has to do with worry in general.
No the nest is not exactly empty. It still has feathers in it from my chicks. I see them and wonder what they are doing and if they are OK and what I can do to help. But I can't. It's time for them to spread their wings and just fly or crash.

The Grandma Adventure

I had a grandma adventure this past week and I want to share it.
First I'm 51 so I'm old enough to know better, but still young enough to do it. Trite but true.
I agreed to have a major sleepover. First though, I invited Katie and Ellie to spend the night Friday. Ellie ended up going with Rod, grandpa, to Boondocks with Terra, Josh and othes. She had a blast.
Katie played with Caleb and I played with Corbin. Saturday I took Ellie and Katie to Clearfield Aquatic Center. I am self-conscious about my body especially in a swimsuit because there is flabby areas. Of course, I realized about 15 minutes at the pool, I'm not that bad. It could be worse.
Saturday night Corbin, Caleb and Ben came to spend a few days. Actually Ben spent a few days, the other two spent the week. Rod is home now taking care of Corbin and Caleb while I work. I remember one night I was so tired I couldn't even undress myself. I just sat in the recliner. Of course that was the night Corbin woke up with a temperature. Don't know why, but he did. I was up half the night rocking him to sleep.
Friday I absolutely insisted I simply had to shower and put make up on. I did not know there were dinosaur shows on Channel 7. I have not watched PBS in the morning in years. The show lasted long enough for me to get a shower and make up on.
But back to the Grandma adventure.
Sunday was church. The three tykes wanted to sit as close to the front of the chapel as possible because Rod, alias Papa, is the bishop of our congregation or in LDS terms, the ward. He sits on the stand behind the pulpit to keep an eye on the masses. The boys did well going to class for a moment. Actually Caleb was fine. Corbin and Ben insisted on hanging out with Papa.
Home for a nap. Then Ben was off to a birthday party at his Grandma Kathy's house. Caleb and Corbin played with the toys for awhile after dinner.
Then bedtime. It took a while for the munchkins to not play and go to sleep, but they did.
Monday was the day sat aside to go to the Aquarium in Salt Lake City, but first I had to return some stuff from Jen's wedding. We got lost due to construction. We finally found the spot. Then I went to the mall to return some shoes and realized I did not have the receipts. So we tried to find a McDonald's. Not in Sandy, Utah. There is no McD's close to the mall, but we found one five miles away. Had lunch and then to the aquarium. I could have spent all day watching the penquins. The boys loved the very large fish.
Home again we ran because Caleb had a T-ball game scheduled, but it was canceled due to the weather. The weather this week canceled a lot of stuff. I did not take the boys swimming because I was too cold. It rained, snowed, hailed or blew like crazy.
Tuesday I took the boys and my dog, Jade, for a walk. How does one do that on 2000 West? Well, you put Corbin in a stroller. Then attach the boys to backpacks that come with "tails" aka, leashes. You hold the leashes and very carefully cross the street, heading to the neighborhood with no cars so they can explore the great outdoors. Normally it takes me 10 minutes to walk around the U, but with the three it takes about 30 minutes as we stop and examine every bug, rock, pine cone and stick along the way. I hope their moms cherish their boys' treasures. We put them in boxes when we got home.
Then after lunch we went to Dinosaur Park. The biggest mistake I made was going to the second floor where the robot dinosaurs are. Corbin lost it. It took an hour of walking around the park for him to realize the dinosaurs were not real. We then went to my niece's graduation barbeque. At home I fed the boys a treat of applesauce and graham crackers and then we played before bath time and bed.
Wednesday we got up and went for a walk again. And then played in the backyard and had a picnic. The weather was crappy. Nap time came, but no storm, so Caleb had a T-ball game. His shirt goes to his ankles. Rod and Ben tried to show Caleb what he needed to do at the game. Rod is spending this Saturday playing ball with Caleb in the backyard. Ben tumbled at the park and cut his lip. We had steak, which looked big when I got it out of the freezer but wasn't. Along with baked potatoes, salad and fruit.
Caleb loves fruit. Chad and Megan joined us and Ben went home. I was sad. Ben makes me laugh a lot.
Thursday we went grocery shopping after we went to the library for reading time. Caleb loves fruit and vegetables. I spent close to $80 on produce. He loves cabbage sliced with raisin. He loves melons, all kinds. And let's talk berries.
We made bread that night to go with the taco soup Megan made us earlier in the week.
Corbin loves rolls with strawberry cream cheese. He also loves chicken noodle soup. I remember when Caleb was a picky eater. Now he eats really well.
Thursday night Caleb woke up in the middle of the night because he had a bad dream and came into my room. I forgot how little ones like to sleep horizontal in a big bed.
Friday morning I heard him tell his stuffed doll Bo, "Don't worry, we won't be stuck with grandma forever. Mommy and Daddy come home tomorrow."
I didn't know if I should smile because he misses his mom and dad or cry because he was tired of grandma. I knelt down, gave him a hug and told him we would get everything ready for him to take home.
Friday I did the boys' wash. I washed their clothes, stuffed animals, pillow (Caleb must have had a nose bleed during the night. He said he didn't.), towels (Corbin packs hand towels around for security) and blankets. We went for a walk. And we played. We even watched Cars. It was the first movie we watched all week. I tried really hard not to turn the TV on or allow the computer to be used a babysitter. I wanted to spend time with the boys because I know every minute counts.
I guess that is where 51, old enough to know, comes in.
We went to Katie and Julie birthday party, two of my sweet granddaughters. Katie is 6 now and Julie is 1. Caleb picked out Snow White dolls for both of htem.
Corbin was ready to go to sleep when we got in the car at 8:30 p.m. I tried to keep the boys on a schedule of sorts all week because I know it makes it easier when they are not with their parents. So we sang songs on the way home. Caleb and Corbin love "Going on a Bear Hunt."
Then we bathed them, tucked them in bed and gave them kisses. Both woke up before I left for work. I really, really miss them.
Sometime today their parents will be home and I hope they know what treasures they have. I hope when they get impatient with Caleb's questions and Corbin's picky eating moments they take a minute, take a deep breath, kneel down, look into those little guys' eyes and hug them. They do grow up and move out.

The tarp and the lights

Jen and Tyler were married Tuesday and a rain storm came during the reception. As I dashed around handing out umbrellas, I noticed the large portrait photos in the very expensive frames were in danger of being drenched. So I did what I could to protect them, as others grabbed presents and hustled them to my husband's truck to protect them from a good soaking.
Then there was my Uncle Clinton and Aunt Mary handing me a very large tarp to protect the very large portraits of Jen and Ty.
After the reception we cleaned everything up and the tarp disappeared. I went back to the nursery on Wednesday to find the tarp so I could take it in the next week or two to Idaho to my uncle.
Turned it it's not his. He told me a young gentleman with red hair handed it to him.
So I thought it was Gabe Tams. Gabe is dating Carlie, Jen's friend. He is also Brandon and Nicole's cousin.
So I let Carlie know I had Gabe's tarp.
She told me nope, not Gabe's. Gabe got it out of the red truck where the presents were.
Ummmm.
Rod, my sweet husband, are you missing a tarp?
Yeah. I think so. I remember having one in my truck.
So it turns out the tarp was my husband's. But the many hands that helped protect guests, presents and decorations were angels. Gabe being one of them.
Now for the lights.
My oldest is 36 years old. Since he was 14 years old we've left the outdoor lights on until everyone is in the house. So for the past 22 years the outside lights have been on almost every single night until after 10 p.m.
Since Jen got married Tuesday, no outside lights are on waiting for a child to come home to switch them off.
The house is so quiet it breaks my heart.
Tonight there will be laughter, noise and fun, as my family comes over. But it is not the same.
No hugs from children at 11 p.m., midnight or in the wee hours. No voices waking me up to say "I'm home."
I wish I could get over feeling like this. Like I'm no longer wanted, needed or useful.

The week

This past week started on May 11 with the murder of Ethan Stacy, 4, of Layton. My heart breaks every time I see his photo because he looks so much like my grandson, Caleb, who is 5.
Yesterday, May 18 my daughter, Jen, married Ty, in the Salt Lake Temple. It was a rainy day, but a perfect day.
There is so much I want to write, but my head hurts from everything and I'm very tired. I want to write about the happy moments on Tuesday and the saddness I felt last week.
And today, May 19, is my daughter Terra's 30th birthday and my son Chad's 28th birthday.
How did I happen to have two children on the same day you ask?
Well, my birthday is Sept. 20, so it take no genius to figure out Rod gave me a "birthday" present twice. :)

Childhood

Yesterday I almost fell apart when a coworker noticed I was using a purple pen with purple ink to write some notes in my day minder.

He said, "You must of been one of those girls who had lots of Barbies."
I never owned a Barbie. I always wanted a Barbie.
Why?
Because my mom said I was too old for a Barbie. My younger sisters had Barbies, complete with outfits.
I made sure my daughters had Barbies with lots of clothes and accessories. Jennica loved the littel Kimberly dolls with all the accessories.
Anyway, quite suddenly my eyes filled with tears as I said, "I never owned a Barbie. My mother wouldn't let me have one."
Yesterday was also my youngest sister's birthday. She is 47. I am 51.
As a child, from second grade on, I was the one who got up at 5 a.m. with my mom, made her breakfast and lunch so she could go to work. I then got my three younger sisters up and got their breakfasts, packed lunches and helped them with their hair and find their clothes. Sometimes I went to school with a red sock on one foot and a blue sock on another foot so my sisters could wear matching socks. Sometimes my socks had holes in them so my sisters wouldn't have to wear socks with holes. But sometimes we all had to wear socks with holes.
I love buying socks. To me, a drawer full of socks means I will never have cold feet.
I love riding bicycles mostly because my mom's husband took my bicycle away after he married my mom and wouldn't let me have one because I "could get hurt," when really it meant I could go places without him knowing where.
My mom is trying to fix the wrongs of the past, but the past still hurts.
I am more emotional this week than I have been in a long time. I know part of it is because of the wedding coming up and trying to get everything done. There isn't really a lot to do. Maybe I'm just worrying about the things my daughter needs to do and hoping for the best for her and Tyler.
It's the little things, like Barbie dolls and socks, that get to us I think. The little things that makes us stop and remember.
Do I want a Barbie now?
No.
But I love pens with lots of different color inks. I love socks and soft T-shirts. I love sitting outside under my Aunt Eliza tree and watching the day slip by.

Two more weeks

Two more weeks. Lately I've been counting down. I'm trying so hard to keep on top of stuff, but stuff keeps popping up.
Two more weeks. My youngest daughter will marry a young man she has known for a long time. I really, really like him. I think of him as part of the family.
Two more weeks. I will have to learn to let go. I can feel my daughter cutting, no hacking away at the apron strings. She doesn't want my help, really. I understand that and I don't. I just want to help, but it's not wanted. So what do I do?
Two more weeks. I wish I had a friend close by who could just help me through this. My friends I'm close to live so far away or are busy with their own emptying of the nest.
Two more weeks. My middle daughter turns 30 in two weeks. My youngest son turns 28. It seems like only yesterday I gave birth to the.
It seems like only yesterday I gave birth to my youngest daughter.
Now they are grown and busy with their own lives. And that is how it should be.
I'm glad I raised them to be independent.
But in two more weeks will anyone want me to be mom?

Whining again

I'm a professional whiner. Practiced for more than 50 years.
Today I'm whining. I want to go home. I have a sick tummy. But how do you tell your boss, I'm sick. REALLY.
Oh, well.
It's cloudy outside. Big, heavy, black gray clouds. Fits with my mood. It is also Friday. I usually get excited to see Fridays.
But I have to work Saturday.
And in three weeks Jennica will be married to Tyler.
I remember when I found out I was pregnant with Jennica. It was on Halloween of 1986. Really.
And the doc said she would arrive on July 4.
Umm. Nope, I said. The kid would arrive three weeks early.
I was right. Doc was wrong. After all, she was baby No. 3 and Baby No.1, Terra and Baby No. 2, Chad were both born three weeks early. They share the same birthday. Terra will be 30 this year and Chad will be 28.
Of course I have two older children, who came with their dad. Brandon was our best man at age 5 at our wedding in 1979 and Nicole was one of the maid's of honor at age 3. I made sure her bouquet looked like mine, except with tiny flowers. Rod had custody of the kids.
I remember when I knew I loved him. We were already engaged. I got off work at the Utah School for the Blind at 10 p.m. where I worked as a dorm counselor, fancy name for baby-sitter. I drove all the way from 2nd Street in Ogden to Syracuse to see him. At that time it seemed like a long drive because there were few, if any houses on the roads. He opened the door, wearing basketball shorts and yellow rubber gloves to protect his hands while he did dishes. Behind him on the floor were stacks of neatly piled folded clothes.
He was so cute and I knew I loved him.
So when he is ticked off at me or I'm ticked off at him, I remember that night and what he looked like. He was so strong, but so vulnerable. He loved his children.
I just wanted to marry a man who would love my children. My father bailed out when I was five and my step-dad, well, that's a story for another day. One that I'm not ready to put in print yet.
So I hope when Jennica is thinking of dumping Tyler she remembers the day she knew she loved him.
I hope when Terra thinks of dumping Josh she remembers the day she knew she loved him.
I hope when Chad thinks of dumping Megan he remembers the day he knew he loved her.
I hope when Brandon thinks of dumping Ann he remembers the day he knew he loved her.
And I hope when Nicole thinks of dumping Corey she remembers the day she knew she loved him.
It's not the day they fell in love, but the day they KNEW.
It's different. Really. And it helps those days when all you want to do is whine.
Anyone got some cheese?

Choices

Today as I sat in the courtroom waiting for the cases I had planned to write about I thought about choices.
Every single person in the courtroom was there because of a choice they had made. The majority had made bad or poor choices and now faced serious consequences.
Attorneys, judges, bailiffs, prison guards, probation officers, victim advocates and journalists had made good choices but were still in the courtroom doing their jobs.
I get irritated by those who use the excuse because of choices others had made causing them problems, for example child abuse, sex abuse, domestic violence or a car accident, that they cannot go forward with their lives. Or they use the past to justify why they choose to abuse drugs, alcohol, others or themselves.
True, I'm not perfect. I have so many flaws I'm afraid if someone looks at me close they will see an ugly monstor. But I had choices. I could have chosen to wallow in my pain and not go forward. Instead, I chose to go forward.
I admit there are days it's hard to get out of bed. There are times I just want to stay home with the door shut and pretend no one is out there.
I don't know how many times I have cried over the past and not just my past as an abused, neglected child/teenager, but as a mother who made mistakes, some more serious than others.
But all I can do is go forward and pray that the sun will come up another day.
Or as Maxine said today, "I like to celebrate Earth Day by gloating that I'm not under it yet."

Can't do it

So the past week I've realized AGAIN, I can't fix everything for everybody, no matter how much I want to.
I want my children to live perfect, happy adult lives. But of course, I can't fix their problems. They are adults. They have to fix their own problems.
I can't help my husband with his job or his church calling. I can't even help my sisters with their problems.
Today I went to an accident on Interstate 15. Did I mention I'm a reporter? Crime/cops is my beat, so I cover accidents. It was horrific.
Just one car. One car. One split second of drowsy driving and a 22-year-old woman's life may have ended or may have changed. Her actions may have also changed the lives of those who saw the accident, as well as her family members and her friends.
I went home because the freeway was too packed to get back to the office. So was Main Street through Clearfield. So I took a detour and headed to my house. I walked in and I really wanted to hug my 22-year-old daughter.
She said she didn't feel well, so I didn't hug her. I wish now I did. So what if I get the stomach flu? What if that was her pool of blood on the pavement? What if the troopers were snapping photos of her skid marks across three lanes of travel? What if ....
So today I will hug more.
I'm not much of a hugger. Anyone who knows me, knows I don't hug often or much. It's because of the abuse I lived through as a teenager. I'm much better at hugging than I was 20 years ago. I know I can be better at it.
It was my daughter, who turns 30 next month, who told me when she was a teenager I needed to hug more.
Always a daughter who shows me the way.
So I can't fix things all the time, but I try. I'll just keep trying.

The beginning

The beginning of a new phase of life is staring me in the face. In a few weeks time, my youngest daughter will exchange wedding vows and start a new life. I will start a new phase. No longer will I be concerned with children at home, but start focusing on myself.
I can either sit on my butt and whine, which I'm extremely good at or I can hit the deck running.
I think I prefer option two.
I think I want to make a list of things I want to accomplish.
First, I want to get to know my husband again. I think we've been so focused on raising kids, careers and church work we've forgotten each other.
Second, I want to reduce my waist size. That means exercise. At 51, exercise is good.
Third,, I want to clean and organize my computer room and my laundry/sewing/yarn room.
Fourth, I want to clean and organize my bookshelf and redecorate parts of the house.
Fifth, I want to refinish my great-grandma's rocking chair.
Sixth, I want to write a book.
Now I need deadlines, like Julie said in the movie.
The first will take an eternity.
Second, I need to make a decrease by July 1.
Third, I need to see progress in computer room and laundry/sewing/yarn room by July 31.
Fourth, I think Aug. 31 is good.
Fifth, Sept. 31 is Okey, dokey.
And Sixth, the Dec. 31.